My womb has a story to share on this New Moon and the first day of being Forty!
Society tells us that after age 35 we are past our prime time for conceiving a child. We are told our good eggs are running out and the chances of conceiving and becoming a mother are more slim. And yet more and more I hear the stories of women in their mid 40’s having beautiful healthy pregnancies and births, and so it is time for us as women to share our stories and to realize that times are changing as we claim the wisdom of our bodies.
On this conscious path of evolution many of us are recognizing the importance of being in our bodies, of having an embodiment practice and taking care of our bodies as the temple that it is.
When we can recognize our body as a temple and take care of it with what we feed ourselves with physically, but also mentally and spiritually, we do not age in the same timeline that society or mainstream places on us.
In October 2012 my husband and I made the decision to consciously conceive a child.
I spent 23 years of my sexually active life trying not to get pregnant and so I naturally assumed that as soon as I decided I wanted to conceive it would happen immediately.
This was not the case, and little did I know it would take almost four years to conceive. A few months after trying to conceive and not having any signs of luck, I started reading the book Spirit Babies. This book opened my eyes to understanding the multi-dimensions involved in wanting to conceive.
Reading Spirits Babies helped me to surrender and trust in the divine timing of bringing a child into this world and expanding our family.
I also remember a very vivid dream I had during this same time. In the dream I was flying when I came across my grandmother who had died many years ago. I felt a rush of excitement when I saw her sitting out in her patio chair and flew down to give her a hug. She looked deep into my eyes and said, “Sofiah don’t worry, a baby is coming to you very soon.” In the dream I remember feeling a sense of relief and excitement when she shared this with me.
When I awoke, I felt like I had really seen my grandmother and received this message, it felt so real. When my moon came the next day, instead of feeling the usual grief, I had a sense of trust along with a deep knowing that this baby knew exactly when they wanted to come through. I had to practice patience with surrender as I prepared the soil in myself and my marriage for this baby to arrive.
Now, almost four years later, my husband and I have adopted a mindset of surrender to what unfolds. Last year I was published in the book, The Path of the Priestess, where I wrote a chapter called, The Pregnant Pause, Surrender to Pure Potentiality. In my chapter I share more of my story, of being in the place of ambiguity but also pure potentiality where anything can unfold. The pregnant pause represents the true path of surrender and trust.
Just four months ago, I was in a place of letting go and not even expecting it, when… my moon was late. I was so ecstatic when I saw the two lines turn red on the pregnancy test for the first time in 39 years. Really…is this really happening??? I had almost given up on believing that I could conceive.
I felt this baby with me so strongly, it was incredible. I was able to tap into a deep meditational state in the blink of an eye and felt so filled with grace and gratitude for this gift of life. I felt a huge affirmation that my intuition had been right all along, this baby knew exactly when they wanted to come in, and now was the time. This moment was a prayer answered, something I had been dreaming of for most of my life.
With this growing baby inside of me I felt a deeper connection with my temple body.
It was hard to not to share this exciting news with the people closest to us. When we did share the news with our families they were all very excited but at the same time very protective with who we told due to the fact that miscarriage is so common in the first three months.
I knew that I was supposed to wait three months to share the news because so many women miscarry, but I didn’t think I would be one of these women. I assumed and felt this pregnancy was what I had been waiting for, my body was healthy and I could feel so much happening inside of my womb. I knew and felt this baby was here to join our family. In our minds we were already planning timelines and making changes to bring this baby into our family.
At seven weeks I went for my first checkup and ultrasound and my love bubble was burst!
We discovered the embryo was not developing as it should inside of the sac. My body was pregnant and the sac had been growing, but the embryo was not. I could barely breathe, I was devastated… this news was the last thing I was expecting to discover.
The doctor shared that 50% of miscarriages happen because of an anembryonic pregnancy, also known as a blighted ovum. This happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself.
I had two choices in how to handle this non developing pregnancy. After having one more ultrasound, just to check, I could either have a surgical procedure called a D & C whereby they remove the sac, or wait for the body wisdom to do what it knows to do and release the sac.
At first I went through the most intense array of emotions I have ever experienced in my life. It was actually incredible to give myself permission to lock the bathroom door, look into the mirror as I cried and screamed in disbelief and grief. I felt so angry and just wanted to get this thing out of my body, it felt like a horrible cosmic joke that the universe was playing on me.
After I allowed myself to move through the spectrum of emotions I was able to come to a place of surrender and trust and of choosing to focus on the positive. I chose to focus on the fact that I was pregnant and can get pregnant. I saw that this was a way of the body preparing for what is to come. I also came into a deeper place of trust in the divine mystery of life, and saw the gift in birth and death.
I took time to write, meditate, rest, dance, practice gentle yoga, and create art to connect with this potent rite of passage.
Once I moved through the deep emotional response I was able to feel into the incredible rite of passage this spirit baby was already gifting us. I feel our baby came to prepare us and let us know all is happening in divine timing and now is our time to prepare with this knowing.
This experience also brought my husband and I much closer, dropping us into a beautiful space of love and connection different from what we had felt before.
After three weeks of waiting in limbo, I miscarried at 10 weeks. My moon came and I released the sac that had been growing inside of me. Late that night I went through a mini birth experience, I felt the pain of contractions, I swirled my hips as I puked, squatting over a bowl to catch the blood and empty sac. It was an intense journey of release.
Brendan was with me reminding me to breathe through it all as I surrendered to the primal kali goddess within me.
The next day Brendan and I created a ceremony to honor our spirit baby.
We wrote a letter to our spirit baby and read it out loud. The moment of witnessing Brendan read his heartfelt truth and signing it ‘love dad’ as he cried tears, was one of the most vulnerable and intimate experiences I have ever experienced with him in our 10 years together.
We then buried the sac and blood with our letter under a mango tree as we blessed the experience with gratitude and let the spirit baby know, we are ready to graciously receive them when they are ready to return to us.
I feel so grateful for this rite of passage experience. As I have shared my story with other women, I am blown away to hear so many similar stories from many. I feel it is my duty to share my story in hope to inspire all of you who have had similar experiences to share your womb truths. For all the women desiring to conceive, just know what a multidimensional journey conceiving truly is.
I am constantly humbled by the mystery of life and the power of surrender, for we are truly not in control here. We are spiritual beings living in these temple bodies here on this planet to wake up to our divine essence so that we can be of service to heal the world, as we align with the frequency of love, the only truth.
The miracle of life, conception, pregnancy and birth, blows me away. I bow to all the women who are reading this, who have conceived, who have miscarried, who have given birth, who have surrendered the desire to be a mother, who have chosen not to be a mother. I bow to all women, for we are all connected to the great life and to the Great Mother archetype within us. We hold the capacity to birth ourselves again and again and give life through all we create.
I bow in gratitude for all the lessons my spirit baby has already brought my husband and I. I know in my heart that I will soon be a mother and even in this knowing there’s a space in my heart that is also ready to surrender and let go if my desire is not realized in this lifetime.
Life is a mysterious ride and we have a choice in each moment if we choose love or if we choose fear. I choose love again and again and I am here to inspire and remind you of your innate power and wisdom to birth yourself and to create a life you love. Let us learn to surrender to the great mystery and trust in the divine unfolding of our lives.
I would love to hear your womb truth, please share, comment and connect, let us re-write our stories and make space for what wants to come through.